Saturday, January 15, 2011

2011 - Finding Myself Again

When Christian died I lost myself. It was like I died too. The person that I had grown into was gone. I was left stripped bare of my life.

Before Christian died I believe I was quite the spiritual person. I prayed to God often. I would have daily rituals of reading positive affirmations in the morning to help me through out my day. I believed in Angels and that I had them around me and my daughter always. I remember whispering into Scarlett's ear each night as I kissed her good night that her Angels were watching over her.

I felt a deep connection to the earth. I remember I would be in awe of the smallest of beauties such as a tiny flower or the golden web of an orb weaver spider. I would play beautiful music through out my day. I would read books, cook more, I would spend more time relaxing and finding moments to just be still.

When Christian died it was like somebody pulled my soul from my body and told me to start again. I was vulnerable and desperate for guidance and support. I got onto a boat where I found comfort, but without going into details and hurting others feelings after a while that comfort did not feel right. My deepest beliefs were different.

I felt washed out and exhausted. I forgot myself. I lost my sight for beauty. I let go of my angels. I stopped whispering in Scarlett's ear each night. I prayed to God, but my prayers no longer had any truth or heart to them.

Over time I got off that boat and I am slowly finding parts of myself that I had forgotten. This new year I am giving and dedicating to myself. Hah! I know how selfish! I am going to find myself again. Not just parts of me but my whole self, and then I am going to build on that.

I feel this deep calling to help others through the most devastating time of their lives. And if I want to be able to help anyone I have to have helped myself first. My spirit needs to be energized and full of life. God gave us all beautiful souls and we deserve to let them shine.

I have the most amazing year ahead of me. And I am only excited about it. My prayer and hope is that if you have lost a part of your beautiful self, that you find your way back to you this year too.


Kathryn @ Expectant Hearts said...

Carly, this is beautifully written and how I"m looking at/forward to 2011 myself.. I think of what they say in the safety speech on planes, "if you are flying with a young child or someone who needs assistance, put on YOUR oxygen mask first".. We can't help anyone else if we're not breathing!

big hugs to you!

Erika said...

carly, this was beautifully written. i know where you're coming from- it's like i could have written this myself! just know that i am behind you supporting you 100%!


Carly Marie said...

Thank you beautiful ladies :) xxxx

Anonymous said...

Beautifully put Carly and I wish you peace and joy on your journey of 'rediscovery'.
I am hoping for the same - a year ago we lost our little girl and 3 weeks ago I gave birth to our little boy - I know I will never recover fully from our loss but I feel like our little boy has helped started to heal some of my wounds and I feel more peaceful than I have done in a long time.
I hope I can now find my pieces and start putting myself back together now
Love and best wishes to you and your beautiful family
What you do is simply amazing

Anonymous said...

Carly I wish you a peaceful journey in rediscovering YOU. You help us all heal and find some small bit of peace in the work that you do.
Blessed be

Must Love Rats said...

Carly, you are such an amazing person...actually your whole family is amazing, whether they are with you here or with you in the sunset we see each night :)

I know you will find yourself again, and be all the stronger for it, Im looking forward to spending time with you, Sam, the girls and Christian at the beach this year, coz I always have so much fun when I do :)


Diane said...

Carly, I truly admire you.
You are a special soul<3

cgruman said...

Good luck on your New Journey of discovering yourself again . I think you may find a stronger and more resilient person and a better person for the struggles that you have endured . Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau


Franchesca said...

Deeply inspiring. I feel like I need to do this. I still feel very much lost, and just trying to make sense of the demolition left behind. I am looking for beauty in spite of it all, and you have had a large impact Carly. You have helped me.

Love you!!

a field of dreams said...

Beautifully written and an unwavering strength we can all learn from. Cheers

amy said...

how beautifully selfish of you carly :) i love the idea. we all need to take time for ourselves, and this is long overdue.
love you

Lisette said...

So beautiful, I needed to read this. The past 2 years I have wandered through this place without really living. 2011 I said is going to be better, it just has to be. New things are in store for ME and I not going to let my grief and sadness get the better part of me. Wishing you a wonderful 2011!

Missy said...

Such beautiful words and true. I only hope that I can begin to put myself back together again this year. It's a long road and I am grateful that you are one of my guides. Thank - you Carly!

Holly said...

I like what Kathryn commented above. It rings true! I think we should all follow suit!