When Christian died I lost myself. It was like I died too. The person that I had grown into was gone. I was left stripped bare of my life.
Before Christian died I believe I was quite the spiritual person. I prayed to God often. I would have daily rituals of reading positive affirmations in the morning to help me through out my day. I believed in Angels and that I had them around me and my daughter always. I remember whispering into Scarlett's ear each night as I kissed her good night that her Angels were watching over her.
I felt a deep connection to the earth. I remember I would be in awe of the smallest of beauties such as a tiny flower or the golden web of an orb weaver spider. I would play beautiful music through out my day. I would read books, cook more, I would spend more time relaxing and finding moments to just be still.
When Christian died it was like somebody pulled my soul from my body and told me to start again. I was vulnerable and desperate for guidance and support. I got onto a boat where I found comfort, but without going into details and hurting others feelings after a while that comfort did not feel right. My deepest beliefs were different.
I felt washed out and exhausted. I forgot myself. I lost my sight for beauty. I let go of my angels. I stopped whispering in Scarlett's ear each night. I prayed to God, but my prayers no longer had any truth or heart to them.
Over time I got off that boat and I am slowly finding parts of myself that I had forgotten. This new year I am giving and dedicating to myself. Hah! I know how selfish! I am going to find myself again. Not just parts of me but my whole self, and then I am going to build on that.
I feel this deep calling to help others through the most devastating time of their lives. And if I want to be able to help anyone I have to have helped myself first. My spirit needs to be energized and full of life. God gave us all beautiful souls and we deserve to let them shine.
I have the most amazing year ahead of me. And I am only excited about it. My prayer and hope is that if you have lost a part of your beautiful self, that you find your way back to you this year too.