Saturday, December 4, 2010

"At least it was a boy, I couldn't imagine losing a girl"

Those are the words some women spoke to me after Christian died. I remember how much it hurt back then. Now I find myself laughing at her. I guess she will be greatly disappointed if she ever falls pregnant and gives birth to a healthy baby boy... to think she could have had a girl!

What is the worst thing anybody has said to you after the death of your child?

Let the Vent Festival begin.

59 comments:

Anonymous said...

"you need to forget about her an move on, you have another child that needs her mother." i felt like punching her in the face but couldnt cause the person that said it was my own grandmother

Brian said...

Their better off !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have two little angels now !!!!!
I didn't want two little angels, I'd rather have my girls here.

Or the best one on how they did, a 40+ woman said they died trying to pull them apart.
Pure ignorance !!!!!

Carly Marie said...

Their better off? Oh that is lame.

Seralynn said...

You are so young. You will have another one.

Idiot.

Fiona said...

You should have known it could happen.

This was said when a friend found out that my mum had also lost a baby.

Celia said...

After seeing me with Gabriel, who I had after Noah (the baby I lost), someone said to me "well, now you finally have what you wanted". Uh....NO! Because if I had what I wanted Noah wouldn't have died in the first place. And how ignorant can you be to think that somehow Gabriel can replace him!

Carly Marie said...

The whole "Replacement" thing gets to me the most I think. None of my children could ever be replaced. You can not replace a soul.

Jessica Romans Mum said...

This one really angered me:

"You've been worrying that you couldn't get pregnant for awhile now and now you know you can have babies, you can have some later on"

Oh gee thanks (thats from my step mum) and she was the one who was there with me & my partner encouraging me to be able to give birth and yet she comes out with this?.... gee!! i really want to be thinking about this not even 24 hrs later while im still in hospital with my son still in the room!!

I couldnt say how i felt about her comments as i felt vulnerable and everything was still happening so i just couldnt, and i havent because ive felt there has never been a right time since to say anything.

The other comment was from a sonographer for checking up on my PCOS a few months later on, of course they always ask have you ever been pregnant, so of course i said yes he asked how old my child is now i said sorry he was stillborn, so the guy was very sympathetic until he asked how far along we were... i said "20wks" and he stopped his sympathy and said "OH... there must've been something wrong with the fetus if you lost that early" (and actually we DIDNT get answers because he looked fine and i wasnt ok with an autopsy for further info) Then he says "Those who lose their babies full term well they have it tough" i was furious but was again vulnerable because i was having an internal scan done, i felt violated and really angry at what he had said, how dare he make it such a light situation because i was "only" 20wks along!! you'd think sonographers would be more sympathetic since they deal with these things all the time!!

Ava'smummy said...

At least you have Ophelia (Ava's twin sister). This has been said a lot sadly. I hardly think twins mean some sort of buy one get one free offer. Aargh, particularly when said by people who themselves have two children. Bet they wouldn't say that if they sadly lost one of their children.

Teressa Bateup said...

When organising the Plaque at the cemetry for Camerons grave about 2 weeks after his burial, the lady in the office actually said to me,"you can have more babies, your so young". I was ready to get up and punch her. I didnt want more babies i wanted my 4 year old son back. She had no friggin clue at all!!!

I seriously could not understand how such an insensitive woman could possibly work in the industry.

Lia's Mommy said...

I only had n lost my first child, a girl, on November 4th of this year. The day after I had her, my grandmother looked at me and said, "she is better off." She continued to tell me that she died because god wanted her to stay in heaven, and all my relatives, such as my two grandpas were up there loving her more than I ever could. How can someone love a child more than the childs own mother!? Then my cousin, who is like a sister to me, loses her first child 4 weeks after me, a boy, and she gave me a picture that the hospital had taken of him, and yesterday while at lunch, my grandma asks me to show people, I have never met, that she talks to at the resturant, the picture of my cousins little boy. I understand no one in my family knows how it feels, or how i feel about losing a child, but u would think that they would know how to not be insensative about the whole thing, and respect, the dead as well as the feelings of the living.

Teressa Bateup said...

When organising the Plaque at the cemetry for Camerons grave about 2 weeks after his burial, the lady in the office actually said to me,"you can have more babies, your so young". I was ready to get up and punch her. I didnt want more babies i wanted my 4 year old son back. She had no friggin clue at all!!!

I seriously could not understand how such an insensitive woman could possibly work in the industry.

Anonymous said...

I had recently lost my sister and then my dad and then lost my baby boy Hamish. My mother in law said to me' It must get easier the third time!!!

Rikki said...

because I was only 19 when I fell pregnant with my boys after they died one of my friends said ' at least now you get your life back and have fun again!' umm they are my life I don't get my life back it went with them.

someone also messaged me and said that because they were so big they probably killed/smothered each other. I was furious. all I can say is she better hope that she never runs into me ever again.

Lia's Mommy said...

I was 22 1/2 weeks pregnant when i delivered my daughter. She was a fully "formed" baby, maybe not fully developed but fully formed. My boyfriend took time off work to griev and situate his thoughts and feelings without having to worry about others at work. He went back things were going pretty good, no one had made comments to him. Well he works with his brother, who comes back and says that he had some guys make a few choice comments to him at work. These completely ignorant fools, ask his brother, what his (my boyfriend) problem was, and why we were burying our daughter. All my boyfriends brother could say to the second comment was, "what are they gonna do, throw her in the trash, shes a BABY?"

Anonymous said...

I hate the comments that it is not like losing a REAL baby because our daughter died before birth.
A REAL BABY?
Do they think the father was from Mattel?
We were 39 weeks and 3 days into our pregnancy. Our baby died, and she was very real. It does not hurt less and she was not less a person because she died before she was born.
The absolute worst of all is the people who say NOTHING - the friends and family who choose to ignore you and your baby.

Barbara said...

Good grief Carly, people never cease to amaze me with their ignorance and thoughtlessness.

I'm so sorry you had to hear that sweetie and I'm so sorry that all the ladies here had to hear those awful comments.

xxx

laurie said...

Carly, you are the most giving young woman I have yet to meet. Hope one day we do. My love and huggs to you Sam, and your darling daughters.
Theodore

laurie said...

Just want to give cyber HUGGS to all the Mothers here. Some very hurtfull comments for sure to already broken hearts. For me it was "well their better off, probably would have been worse had he lived" ugghhh!!!.

Kelly said...

"Well it's not like you held him or had any memories with him".

This hurt lots cause at first I didn't want to see or hold my baby, but then My body went into shock and I had to have surgery to remove the placenta and I didn't get an opportunity to change my mind. I live everyday with regret that I didn't get to hold my baby Gabriel.

Nicky Holloway said...

as we were deciding to turn the machines off that were keeping our son alive, my obstetrician came into my room and said "oh well never mind you can always try again". At the time I was in such turmoil I didn't really think about it. It was only after that I couldn't believe he had been so insensitive. He has thankfully now retired, but is now Head of the Health Service in Guernsey, which doesn't say much really!!!

Jessica said...

The one comment I remember most after losing Lashley was from a coworker when I returned to work. She patted me on the back and said "It'll get better." That made me so mad at the time because she had a healthy 3 month old baby girl at home who was a surprise pregnancy for her and her new boyfriend while my husband and I had struggled to get pregnant and had to use fertility treatments. I kept thinking she has absolutely NO idea how I feel and she doesn't know if it'll get better or not. She could go home and rock her baby but I couldn't.

mrsnice777 said...

I really "loved" *cue saracasm* "It wasn't a real baby yet anyway. Just tissue."

:-( Said my mom to me...

Sad
Jamie

Trena said...

"You're young, you can have more."

"At least you weren't further along."

leo moon said...

I am seriously disturbed by these comments. Some people are just completely clueless!!
When I was pregnant with my 2nd baby, I decided to have a homebirth. Many people asked me how I would feel if the baby died, as essentially they felt that it would be my fault & that I would have 'killed' my baby through my choice. Needless to say I don't waste time talking to those people anymore!!

Jus and Kat said...

"You should be more positive about this." . . . FML!

Lesley said...

Oh I have a few-
"At least you lost her before you got to know her". "You will have another and forget about her." and my top one: "She was born dead- you should not have pictures of a dead baby on the wall, and you should not sign a dead baby's name on a card" -from my lovely mother in law (who also lost a baby! NICE!!)

Jessica said...

When we bought our cemetery plot, the groundskeeper would not write down or even listen to our son's name. He said it hurt him too much and it was easier for him to "get through it" if he didn't know the child's name.

Anonymous said...

I was told that I was better off because I was young and didn't really want to have a baby yet. When my mother lost hers, people said that she was better off because she was older and did she really want to die before her child graduated from college and things of that nature...She also was told well you already have four children, how would you have managed to feed and clothe a fifth? They're probably better off not being born into such a big family. People are just awful sometimes and they really don't get it. Who are they to say when we want babies? Once I was pregnant, I wanted that baby whether he/she was planned for or not. It doesn't matter that I was still in college and it would have been tough. And once my mom was pregnant, although she didn't think she could have more, she certainly wanted that baby. And that baby would have been born into a big family, yes, but what's wrong with that?

Lea said...

Oh... there has been so many stupid, insensitive comments... still are sometimes. I think the best one was when a friend of mine compared losing Nicholas to putting her dog down..... unbelievable.

thanks for starting the venting session!

Tiffany said...

Oh boy where do I begin:

-you'll have another one
-it wasn't like she was a baby
-your daughter? She wasnt your daughter..
-it's best not to talk about it, pretend it didn't happen
-me keeping her ashes was odd
-im consumed because I recognize her as my daughter and speak her name
-you need therapy, maybe they can fix you
-you can't tell me you are grieving your daughter, you're "always grieving" your daughter (said sarcastically) you need to move on. Be happy.

And then there is the awkward silence following and statement that includes Genesis. And then the topic is changed all together and what I said was completely ignored.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

How could someone be so stupid to say something like that to you. Why is it that people can't put themselves into other people's shoes or think before they speak. It is not that hard to be kind.((HUGS))

butterfly843 said...

I was told by my aunt "at least you can have fun trying for another" Yeah trying is a lot of fun when you do ivf, and I wanted my twins more than anything.

Kathryn @ Expectant Hearts said...

Seth went to Heaven at 6 1/2 months of age from a congenital heart defect. He was on comfort care for 10 days. One day, I was telling my grandmother about my friend who had lost her son at 18 mos of age and my grandma said "Oh, that would be harder" Harder than WHAT? AND she was HOLDING Seth in her arms at the time. UGH.

sarah said...

Oh this entire thread just breaks my heart and fills me with anger for how stupid people are sometimes.

Sending love to all of the mamas here...

Alex said...

"something was probably wrong with it," like it's comforting that my baby might've been too messed up to live!!! riiiiiiiiight.

Oh, and "next time, no working too hard." Yes, I love thinking that maybe something I did caused my loss. Awesome.

Mary said...

Lukas passed away at 23 days after having spent 2 of them in the hospital. As I was faced with the truth that he was gone and telling everyone that we had to let him go, my mom told me that my husband's mom needed him more in Heaven. That she missed my husband so much that she asked God to let her take care of my son. At the wake, I heard the ususal you can try again and maybe you'll get twins. My dad kept telling me that I should have been more vigilant in my healthcare and maybe he would have been strong enough to fight his virus. It still hurts to remember these words.

Janelle said...

Our son Samuel was stillborn at 40+ weeks and like many of you, we heard some comments that really hurt.

One of my husband's co-workers said that maybe it was God's way of saying we were done having children.

Another thing that always hurts me is when people try to relate with you. They say things like "I know what you're going through, I almost had a miscarriage". What???? Or "I thought I was going to lose this baby and so I understand." Ummm...no you don't!

I'm sorry that we all have had to go through with this. Hugs to all of you mamas.

MaryB said...

My husband's grandmother said in an email (after I told her that I was getting a second opinion), "It's nice that you're getting a second opinion but I don't hold out much hope. There are worse things than having a miscarriage (IT WAS A STILLBIRTH!). At least Averi (MY 4-YEAR-OLD) doesn't know what she's missing."

Anonymous said...

It is absolutely heart-wrenching to hear so many insensitive comments spoken to grieving parents. Will people never learn?
Love and blessings to all you mamas and daddies.
-Shandee

Anonymous said...

People have said at least you have your son and only focus on him, his twin sister died 28 hours after birth. My mom especially gets those comments and she tells people but we were supposed to have two babies with us right now. For the most part people don't know what to say. Every day hurts just as much as the day she died.

Rachel said...

This will be my 2nd christmas without my angel Sophie, and I have 2 other beautiful girls to help me through the tough times. My sister in law who has said some down right hurtful things came up with a cracker this year.... I will spend a bit more money on your girls this year seen you only have 2 left now!!! Like i would forget!!

Hope said...

"It was God's will"
"It just wasn't meant to be"
"It could be worse..."
"You will have another baby soon"
"She probably was going to be handicapped or something and God wanted to spare her that pain & you too"
"Someone told me it took them 3 months to feel better after losing their baby"
"You have a hard enough time with 1 baby, maybe you weren't meant to have more"
"She doesn't have to experience the pain of this world"
"Jesus has a rocking chair and He will take care of her"

Missy said...

A coworker said "you're marriage will never survive this." Wow thanks for the vote of confidence!

mummy tomo said...

I lost our first son just on 20 weeks due to an incompetent cervix and oh my, the comments were bad bad bad. First there was the midwife who strongly suggested that we go home to deliver him because 'if we stayed there the hospital would have to deal with the remains and it'd just end up in the incinerator anyway', then my work (the area manager, not my immediate work place who were all wonderful) who rang me up and wanted to know why I was having more than a week off work because other people had had miscarriages and they'd been back at work in a week, then all the people who basically dismissed Brock after we fell pregnant again with comments like 'it wasn't meant to be', 'you'll be right, you'll have another baby soon' and so on and so on. I think the thing that hurts the most is the amount of people who act like Brock never existed. We are now blessed beyond words to have another beautiful boy, but he was still our first born and I think of him every day, it doesn't take away from how much we love and adore our son now, but it just bugs me. When we did lose Brock, we were surrounded with more love and support than we could have imagined, but it's just a shame that there were horrible people who made stupid stupid comments.

Angie said...

"I know how you guys feel, I had a horse who gave birth to a stillborn."

Our jackass neighbor said this to my husband just a few weeks after our son, Aiden, was stillborn at 37 weeks.

I'm sorry to all the mamas and papas who have to endure idiotic people down playing their losses and making them feel worse in their time of grief. ::HUGS:: to all who have commented and ::HUGS:: to you Carly!

Miss Ruby said...

It's what people didn't say that hurt the most.

Hardly anyone acknowledged any of my losses [there have been many], that to me stung worse than them saying something inappropriate - at least if they said something inappropriate, it would mean that they had at least thought about my losses.

~x~

Theresa Muenzel said...

The worst thing said to me after loosing my first child was...You should conciser yourself lucky. You have already had 5 healthy pregnancies. You have five beautiful children. Most women don't have this many children before they loose one. Besides did you really want to have this child if she was going to be severely handy-caped? Who would care for your other children while you were caring for this one? It wouldn't be fair to them.

This was spoken to me by my doctor as I am laying on the exam table having just finish getting a sonogram to confirm my daughter had passed.

I don't know how anyone could think I would trade not having her in my life just because it would have made my life harder! Well 2 years later, my life is harder and still I would jump at the chance to have her back here with me.

These days the things that upset me most are when family tell me that it must have been fate and were better off that I lost my last 2 children. My fifth child has many medical issues, and they say things like image if those babies had survived? How would you take care of all of #5 issues if you had to deal with 2 other babies?

My answer to them is always the same. I would just figure out how to do it! Just as I have figured out to do everything in my life. Taking it one day, one problem at a time.

Teresa Totino said...

Some unwanted visitor came and saw us in hospital the day after we lost Alessia and said - "go on a cruise and you'll feel better" - yeah a F***** cruise- that is going to make the loss of our first and only child feel so much better!!! After two and half years it still makes me angry when I think of it and when I see her!!

Ausmerican Housewife said...

After both Julia and Evan died, people would ask my mother *AND* me "how old is she?" when they found out I was mid to late 20s their response was "well she's still young so atleast she can try for more". Um hello!? Or "well atleast they know the plumbing works and they can try again." What the #*%@!? Yes we know that we can *get* pregnant and carry a child to term but neither of our children have survived the womb or birth. And you think that the knowledge of "we can try again" is somehow comforting!? I am a human, not a toilet. I don't care if "the plumbing works", I want the two that didn't ever get to know my voice or touch!

I wish people would just shut up and keep their comments to themselves! Our children have died. Part of us has died. We have to go on day by day knowing that our family is twice as big. We are a family of 4. 2 of us are down here and 2 of us are up there.

Catrina said...

You were only 3 months along it wasn't a baby yet , it was more like a parasite . I was devastated to hear this . I became a mother as soon as I found out I was pregant and time was not a marker for me .

Rach said...

My heart breaks to think people can be so insensitive to grieving parents.

I have heard some cr*p too about still being young enough to have another baby and maybe there was something wrong with my son that they hadn't discovered so he is better off in heaven....

airteresa said...

Our health insurance company first denied our medical claim stating the delivery of my stillborn baby girl was an abortion. During one of my many phone calls between the health insurance company and the doctor's office to straighten it all out, I was crying and very very angry. The doctor's receptionist said to me, "Don't take it PERSONALLY!" I've never been more angry!

Anonymous said...

Where to start? I feel like at that time no one I spoke to could say anything to make me feel comforted, I still felt alone although I know I wasn't. I think the two I heard the most were, "You're young you will have another one", "It's for the best". Really!?! Thanks I think I am going to go crawl in a hole now.

amy said...

Oh gosh. So many.
*You're too young anyway
*You can always have another
*Lucky you didn't waste money on an abortion!! (an abortion I had NEVER planned on having but somehow many people assumed I would have one just because I was 19)
*You weren't pregnant long enough to bond with it anyway
*It wasn't even a real person
And the worst one came from my partner unfortunately. It was the weekend my first miscarried bubba would have been due to enter the world. It was easter time and we were away with some friends of his for the weekend down by the beach down south. His friends sister had given birth to a stillborn baby (full term) exactly 12 years earlier. She had since given birth to 3 healthy children. Understandably she was still upset at the anniversary of her baby's death. My grief was only months old. Still very raw. I NEVER underestimate the grief that a parent goes through when they lose a baby at term (or a baby that is big enough to have to be 'delivered' no matter how many weeks) I am grateful everyday that I lost my babies in the first trimester. However we all have the right to grieve, however long we were pregnant/a parent. No matter how big the baby was. Unfortunately my partner was furious at me for being upset that weekend. How dare I cry over my baby when she had lost an 'actual' baby. As if grief was in limited supply and I was being greedy in grieving over my child as well! Our relationship barely scraped through that ordeal.

So sad that it's so common for people to feel the need to brush our feelings under the carpet. As if a child can be replaced by another. I'm still astounded by the amount of people that tell me I should use the names I set aside for my lost babies on babies I have now. They were their own person they had their own little identity and they have a right to have a name that is their own. I will not take their names from them to name my next child. Never.
(Not to say I judge those who choose to do so with their babies! - it was just something that I couldn't bare to do).

Sue said...

My heart just breaks for all the baby lost mamas and fathers out there lots of love to you all. I have been lucky and only had wonderful love and understanding around me at this sad time. I have though heard all the ignorant comments in the world I do believe. I just read all 55 comments and just can not believe it, I know it happens but to so many of you it just breaks my heart that people can be so insensitive. Maybe people are scared and don’t know what to say so they try to say something to make you “feel” better when really they need to think first. Nothing will make you feel better as you want your baby with you. I was talking to a new friend just last week who lost a baby girl at birth, her twin sister survived. This was ten years ago and she had a friend only last week ring her and say. “I now know what it was like for you to loose Maddision as our dog died last week” now truly I love animals and ours have always been a big part of our family…………..but truly………………..think before opening your mouths.
I have known a mother to loose two babies during pregnancy and then to loose a baby at 9 weeks to SIDS and the sadness and loss is the same for all three of her babies. You are a mother from the time you conceive and don’t let anyone tell you any different. Love and hugs.

Holly said...

It is horrible the things that people say....

Lukesmommy said...

"This was your punishment for not being close enough to God"....and all I have to say to that....my God doesn't punish like that!

chezkris10 said...

Upon seeing me crying one day about 7 months after the death of our second daughter: "Why can't you be happy with what you have, you have one daughter here, you're pregnant now with another and you have me! I just don't understand, maybe because I wasn't close to her like you. To me she was just a shell, not a real person." - From my now-ex-husband about our daughter Karis who was stillborn at 33 weeks.